***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
this boner is exhausting
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
