I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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