Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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