I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You made out with two different species that night
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
