Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
