I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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