why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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