Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
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I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
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I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize