I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
