i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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