She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
