literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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