After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
