I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
