drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
These tits shall not be calmed
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
