Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
