just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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