i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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