my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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