I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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