A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
