is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
