eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
