be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
