Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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