I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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