lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
