So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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