You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
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somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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