so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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