I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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