you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
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I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
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I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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