why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
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When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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