We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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