Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
