Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
