they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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