I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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