i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Welp...herpes.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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