I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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