I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
