just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
