Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
