I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
