All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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