Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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