So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
