Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
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You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
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I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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