Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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