hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
