I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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