Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The best revenge is premature balding
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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