I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
