So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
