dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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