i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
There r osticjed everywhere
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
