i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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