Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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